session recap, 7/10/2016

Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (5)
Rolf the Dwarf (5)
Gutboy the Cleric (6) and his henchdog Rufus II
Kalimar the Ranger (5)

It's been a while since the actual game, so this update is lighter on the details.

The party decided to haul ass to White Plume Mountain and find the artifacts stolen from the Under-Miami Museum of Natural History.

- Bikers encountered on the way - captured, threatened to no avail ("Kill me! What do I care!" "Oh right, they come back to life"), and killed

- In the tunnels under White Plume Mountain, encountered Mindy the Gynosphinx.  Keraptis hired her as security, she blacked out, and woke up cut in half and sewn to a lion's body.  For no good reason, wings have also been sewn to the lion's shoulders.  She's been forced to ask stupid riddles ever since, and has had nothing to eat except some bikers who tried to force their way in ("Don't judge me!").  Stupid riddle answered, and then she is convinced to join the party

- Tunnel full of inductive plates that heat metal.  Rolf strips naked, goes to other end, and is pursued by horde of zombified Under-Miami policemen (who had been sent the day of the theft to recover the artifacts).  Mindy wades in, and in conjunction with gunfire and Gutboy's atheistic faith, they are destroyed.  Their diaries are recovered and eventually returned to the Under-Miami Police Dept

- Room with frictionless surfaces and pits full of spikes.  Mindy flies them over.

- Room with a mid-air stream and kayaks.  "Ehh, let's do something else".  Room ignored.

- Inverted ziggurat - each level a glassed-in enclosure, with alternating levels full of water.  Giant crayfish, giant scorpions, lion-halves sewn to seal-halves, and finally lions with human heads sewn to them and machine guns sewn to their tails.  Keraptis the Wizard has serious issues with sewing things on to lions.  Heavy gunfire shatters glass enclosures, creature mayhem ensues, water eventually drains, everything is dead.  Safe at bottom, looted!

- Room with tiny man, Qesnef, who claims to be a poor captured soul hired on as security and abandoned.  Party believes none of it.  Turns into giant monster, but Pai Mei's drowsy insects quickly send the fiend to sleep.  Throat slit, it's nature's way.  Hey, what's that under a sofa - the lost artifact Blackrazor, a sword so black it appears to be a rift in space.  Rolf grabs it, his eyes roll back, and he charges his comrades, shouting "BLOOD AND SOULS!"  Gutboy paralyzes him with atheistic miracles, Pai Mei and Kalimar break his hands and wrists until he lets go of Blackrazor, and they roll the evil sword into a rug for transport.  They also find a suit of lightweight green plastic armor - Rolf claims this as his own.

- Blackrazor returned!  Levels gained!  Mindy talked out of suicide and remains as henchwoman!


session recap, 5/22/2016

Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (4)
Rolf the Dwarf (3)
Biff the Fighter (4)

It seemed like a year since the party escaped Ashkasor's clutches - but of course, only moments had passed.  They looked around, and Gutboy had wandered off into the swamp to take a leak - but lo!  a stranger named Biff walked up in his stead.  He was wordlessly accepted into the party, like a long-lost brother, such was their bond.

They reviewed their options, and decided it was time to complete the long-delayed drug deal with Sanibel.  Their briefcase full of ball bearings in hand, they headed north through the swamp to Lago.  They traveled along the coast til swamp turned to jungle, and then followed U.S. 1 north where it crossed the Biscayne from Under-Miami back onto the mainland.  For over a day they trekked over the deteriorating asphalt, until the jungle opened up, revealing a dozen or so buildings lining the highway.  A road sign read "LAGO" - but the town's name was crossed out and crudely replaced with the word "HELL" in red paint.

They headed for the bar - an establishment bearing the name "Plain Dealer", with bikers wandering in and out.  Their choppers were lined up outside the door.  Inside, the bikers, their jackets labeled "The Cavers", were busy getting drunk and eyeing the trio.  One of the few non-bikers made his way over - "You.  I'm Cosmo.  Cosmo the Bullet."  The three stared at him in confusion.  "El Blanco sent me.  The drugs?  Let's have 'em."

Rolf:  "Wait, we're supposed to give them to Sanibel."
Cosmo:  "Really?  Fine.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  I don't want these bikers seeing us leave town together.  I'll go first, meet me an hour up the road."
Pai Mei:  "No, I think we'll go first."
Cosmo:  "Whatever.  Just go."

Cosmo left first, conspicuously walking south on U.S. 1, while the party decided to do some shopping.  Across the street from the bar, a tiny figure watched them from the porch of the town sheriff's office - this "little person" was presumably the  sheriff himself.  They made no move to introduce themselves, instead browing the goods in a store imaginatively labeled "Food".  Biff ventured across the street to the establishment labeled "Girls", but found only regret.

After stocking up on canned beans and canned beer, the party marched north up the road.  After a time, they hid in the bushes, and waited for Cosmo.  Four bikers rode slowly by, but didn't see them - and soon after Cosmo appeared, escorted by two heavies in silk suits.  Together, they marched north for a bit, and then headed off into the jungle towards Sanibel's compound.

The journey took over a day, but eventually the filthy group of travelers came upon the spectacular mansion of Sanibel.  The guards in front of the house stepped aside to let them into the foyer, and Cosmo excused himself to let Sanibel know they had arrived.  He returned shortly, and let them into a wide solarium.  As they entered, a pair of guards closed the doors behind them.

The solarium was filled with potted palms and aloe vera plants.  A half dozen guards stood on the floor with them, while Sanibel, El Blanco, and two guards with super-soakers stood on a balcony at the other end of the room.  Incongruously, a rough wooden barrel was sitting on the balcony as well.  Hanging from the ceiling were four brass cages, each containing a spherical horror 4' wide, with wide gnashing mouths and ten long tentacles.

Sanibel:  "Welcome to my home!  You have brought the lanthanides?"
Pai Mei:  (removing the briefcase from his pack and opening it)  "Right here"
Sanibel:  "Juan!  Try a sample!"

One of the guards walked over, and Pai Mei handed him the one genuine lanthanide sphere from the briefcase.  The guard pulled out a tin of greenish jelly and smeared it over his teeth, and then popped the lanthanide sphere into his mouth.  Sparks flew from his teeth as he rolled it around with his tongue, and his eyes rolled back in his head.  "Good stuff boss!"  A strange look came over the guard's face - "I want MORE!" and he yanked the briefcase from Pai Mei's hands, spilling the stainless steel ball bearings all over the floor.

Sanibel shouted in rage, "I don't think so, Juan!  Get him!"  The guards standing next to Sanibel unloaded their super-soakers on Juan, dousing him in cinnamon-scented water.  El Blanco pulled a lever, and the bottoms of the four cages fell open, releasing the tentacled nightmares.  The four decapuses reached down and tore Juan limb from limb.

Sanibel then laughed heartily, and shouted "Time for your cut, Cosmo!"  The guards soaked him as well, with similar results.  The party realized that they were next, and Pai Mei intoned one of his deep magics, summoning a swarm of cavern insects to crawl from the walls, biting most of the guards - and they fell into a deep sleep.  Sanibel and El Blanco swatted the insects away, El Blanco fleeing through a door, and Sanibel pulling out a pistol, taking pot shots at the crew.

Pai Mei responded with a barrage of bolts of arcane energy, gutting Sanibel.  Rolf finished the drug kingpin off with a shot from his plasma rifle, leaving a flaming stump where his head used to be.  The body toppled over the railing cinematically.  The sleeping guards awoke, took one look at the carnage, and fled for their lives.

The party took their time exploring Sanibel's mansion.  In the backyard, they found a pool and two women sunning themselves next to it.  Pai Mei began asking one of the girls questions - she just sighed and said "Ugh, beat it, weirdo" and leapt into the pool, sitting herself underwater on the bottom.  She refused to come up for air, preferring drowning to Pai Mei's conversation.  Rather than witness another suicidal rejection, they returned to the mansion, looted gold chains, a "Polex" wristwatch, and a key from Sanibel's corpse, which in turn unlocked a secret closet containing a briefcase with $100,000, Sanibel's diaries, and a heavy machine gun.  Further searching revealed a pen set and some petty cash, and then the party began the trek back to Under-Miami.

Once they reached U.S. 1, they were met by four bikers, riding three bikes (one of which had a side car).  One of the bikers bore down on them, whirling a chain, but was shot down by Pai Mei's magic missiles.  Pistol shots from Biff and Rolf took out the other bikers, and the contents of their chained wallets were looted.  The party decided to skirt through the jungle rather than walk through Lago - clearly there would be trouble there.

After making their way to Under-Miami, the party headed to the police station and turned the diaries over to Bennett and Lt. Castellan - "Under-Miami owes you a great debt.  Just a metaphorical debt though, this department is under-funded" - and then to the visitor's center to find a place for the night.  To their great horror, there was a line of adventurers from Denethix, several wearing "Blessed Expeditionary Company" t-shirts.  They turned tail, and interrogated passersby until they were directed to the bloodstained rooms of the "Embassy Hotel" - formerly the "Miami Cannibal Society", until the club's unceremonious eviction three days earlier.  The accommodations were found lacking, so they sold their goods ("Nice heavy machine gun!  Haven't seen one since that one I sold to Sanibel!") and invested in a three bedroom apartment only a block from South Beach.  This expenditure was enough to push all three to fifth level.

Gains: 3 gold chains, "Polex" wristwatch, $106,400, pen set, heavy machine gun, 2 uzi's
Kills:  3 guards, Sanibel, 4 bikers
Losses:  none